Tactics for Wise Words

The text messages kept coming. One after another, after another. The responses were sharp and I was speechless. I'd done it again. I made a remark that offended my sister in Christ, and she was letting me know it.

As believers, sometimes, our use of words meant to encourage and point to Christ will offend, even when using scripture, as I had done. Sometimes, doing the loving thing, like holding people accountable, reminding others of the words of Christ or trying to steer someone in the godly direction can cause irritation in the hearer.

In this instance, I had one of three choices: 1) I could have dug my heels in the ground and shot back, 2) I could have killed the tension by apologizing and assuming the role as wrong-doer, or 3) I could have tactfully turned the accusations into questions, guiding my friend to observe her own feelings and thoughts so that she would come to her own conclusions about the topic we were discussing.

In our finger pointing, thumb tapping world of texting and social media, it's so easy to do either option one, but this has serious consequences. When we grit our teeth and insist that we are right despite recognizing that our words or opinions have hurt someone, this is prideful and ungracious. Being correct does not excuse our responsibility to be kind. Ephesians tells us to "be kind and compassionate, one to another, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgive you." This scripture unpacks a lot. Sometimes, we need to forgive people for their unbiblical responses, even if they are unaware that they've responded unbiblically.

Wisdom is gracious

(Proverbs 19:11). We don't need to insist on our own way or to force others to see our point of view. If they saw our point of view, they wouldn't be offended in teh first place. We must follow the law of Christ (Mark 12; Galatians 6) that commands us to love our neighbor as ourselves. Myself does not want to be belittled or yelled at or treated sarcastically. Myself does not want to be dismissed or be made light of. Since I wouldn't want that type of response, I should not give it, and neither should you. This is the not nature of our God. He, who is all wisdom and all righteousness, deals with us in love, mercy and grace. We must ask the Holy Spirit to guide us in gracious conversations, regardless of the other person's responses.

The second option, which was the option I took, is just as wicked as the first option, because it's a denial of the truth in efforts to appease. Basically, it's lying. Now, I knew I was right in what I said and that my motives for saying so in sincerity, love and concern. I knew the scripture I used to make my point was in proper context and demanded submission by all believers in Christ. This was not a matter of opinion, but of obedience. There was no wiggle room and my intention was to appeal to Scripture, not my opinion, as a way to correct the faulty idea we were discussing. The offensive response was a shock to me and revealed much about this person's current state of mind and heart, but her response didn't make the scripture untrue. So why did I apologize and insist that she please forgive me for offending her? I did it because I was people pleasing, and I cringe to admit this.

Listen, we do not apologize for scripture. We do not apologize for God. Every word in His Word is good and right and true and beautiful. There is no flaw, because it is inerrant. Therefore, If we receive push-back or persecution because of the scripture, it's not us. The issue is not that we hold to a Biblical worldview. The issues is that the other person doesn't. Scripture is a double edged sword. It uplifts, but it also cuts. The cutting is a type of pruning so that we can continually be changed by God's Spirit of truth and bear good fruit. If someone rejects this, it's not our responsibility to lighten the load or to make the blows less off-putting. This doesn't mean that we beat people over the head with Scripture, but it does mean that we stand on Scripture and take the rejection, should that be the response. I didn't do that. Next time, I will.

The third option is the best option, in my opinion, and one that Greg Koukl teaches his students and readers in his book, Tactics: A Game Plan for Discussing Your Christian Convictions. Embarrassingly enough, this was one of the first apologetics books I read, but I obviously need to read it again! It's a great read and it's very relevant in dealing with the mentality of our post-modern culture. In the book, Greg Koukle builds on the premise that, as Christians, we must have knowledge of scripture, use wisdom for clear understanding and confidence and engage others with the character of Christ. Instituting these virtues through conversations steered by asking questions for the other person to answer about their own position helps create an unoffensive environment where right thinking can be recognized and wrong thinking can be addressed graciously.

We live in a world where subjective feelings, even for some Christians, have the final say. Any form of disagreement can be interpreted as an attack, though that may not be the intention or motive. In order to reach our community, we have to be aware of the culture within our community. We must been aware of the subjective and relative perspectives that are a deceptive influence in the lives of those who may not even be aware of it.

As I am in a season where the Lord has placed me in ministry and has graciously given me friends who desire Him, expect accountability and willing to have biblically challenging conversations, I have made the mistake of thinking these environments are opened doors for me to express any cautionary or disapproving thought I have and then back peddling when the response is negative. Truly, I want to be an encourager, but sometimes, in my attempts to cheer on faithful living, I point out the problem as I understand it, rather than seeking to understand the person. Yes, we are called to shine lights in the darkness, but we must strive to live peaceably with all men. I am finding out that knowledge without grace is unwise and unprofitable and altering the truth to salvage someone's feelings is dangerous and unloving.

Truth and gentleness. These are our tools. This doesn't mean that we need to be passively playing patty cake with everyone, but we do need some tactics in our back pockets to help steer conversations in truthful and gracious ways, should the listener begin to show sings of offense. We cannot control the response of others - even of those who are Christians- but we can be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. Asking questions slows down the tempo. It gives everyone thinking time, and in the space between the inquiry and the answer, we must be in prayer that the Holy Spirit will bring truth to light and shape our hearts. Slowing down in a grace and a gift in hostile situations. We don't want to loose the hearer and we don't want to distort the message.

So here’s my question for you today: 

Are you more likely to encourage someone into correct thinking if you point your finger or if you give them a mirror to see for themselves?

James tells us that scripture is indeed a mirror! Sometimes the question-tactic can be the kind and gracious handle on the mirror that we extend to the ones we are speaking with

Tell me about a conversation you had that went a bit wonky, or maybe you had a very encouraging conversation with someone that resulted in growth for both of you! Tell me, tell me! I'd love to know!